Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with

Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.

I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.

My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.

A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.

judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands

Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.

I laughed at this way too hard.

Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie

Devil: I’ve got an idea

My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.

I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”

You: Sitting down to eat

Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?

*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough

FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?

ME: She’s a real queen bee.

FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.

*a faint buzzing from my pocket*

ME: Dude, she’s right here.

wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices

me: ok, let’s start tomorrow

[next day]

me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home

wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!

I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.

What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.

changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities

Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”

Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”

She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.

AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.

sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete

oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving

“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.

Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?

My husband:

(True)

I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me

My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.

I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.