Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.

People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding

All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph

I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register

Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.

It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change

If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.

2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs

Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.

If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.

Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?

God: peanuts

Elephant: what?

God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*

Elephant:

God: all of them

This took me a second..

good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.

*starts the dishwasher*

*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*

Me and my best friend after eating very sour candy

Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.

So I’m still broke, but now also in French.

Dear plastic wrap,

I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.

– me

Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.

I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.

Child: Turkey pancakes?!

Me: I also have turkey hash, turkey sausages, and make sure you drink your turkey nog.

Wife: I told you the bird was too big

If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤

I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.

The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…

-My best pickup line

last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great

For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk

disney ceo: live action little mermaid

animator: yep

ceo: it’s in the ocean

animator: got it

ceo: coral reefs

animator: understood

ceo: lots of fish

animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?

Me: How was school?

Toddler: Candice has a different mom.

Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.