I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
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3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.