I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
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*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.