Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
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Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.