I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
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Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
I’ve watched so many docuseries about cults lately, I think I would be good at it, you know, as a member. Honestly, cults look like a blast at the beginning and middle just before all the crimes start.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
☠️
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar