I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
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[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.