Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”

We are all that mom.

[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.

Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?

*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*

History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”

You mean like NOW?

Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together

JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?

MARIO:

JUDGE: it’s a fine

MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not

*getting kidnapped

Me: Thank you.

Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground

P Diddy or P Didn’t he?

Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)

If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.

I have a great story to tell u.

“Why don’t u just go write a book”

Wow, that’s-

“Don’t u dare say it-”

a novel idea.

“I’m moving out”

me: clean your room
teen: okay

(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!

(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*

And now we wait.

Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.

I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.

Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.

me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY

me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying

I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”

A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”

Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”

Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*

I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.

The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story

If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.

“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’

Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any

Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.

Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!