I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
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my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Orange is oranging 🟠
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote