I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
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If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT