I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
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Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Me: It’s time to get ready for school.
Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?
Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.
[6 hours later]
Kid: What are we having for dinner?
Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
me after eating Cheetos
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.
Me [aghast]: My child?
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.