Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.

Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.

Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.

What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.

Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….

I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.

So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.

Them: what charity are you raising money for?

Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?

I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.

host: name a famous tattoo artist

me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin

Daughter: You’re invading my personal space

Mom: You came out of my personal space

Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking

Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.

Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.

Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.

I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse

Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”

It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.

*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy

*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA

FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.

As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon

“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”

Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile

I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”

I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.

You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.

Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”

Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.

I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.

If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs

date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”

I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.

As long as that distance is 300 miles.

When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.