I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
You Might Also Like
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
hello pervert is such a strong opener
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.
As per my previous tablet…
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks