My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
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[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Tremendous stuff
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”