I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
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Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
won’t smith
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
finally found a reasonable question
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.