Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems

me: I always sleep naked

flight attendant: no

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.

Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

I am also baked goods

Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.

[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?

*receives a monthly bill*

didn’t i just pay this last month??

True?

Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.

…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.

Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.

Lost my job as a bus driver.

Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho

If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.

When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.

me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside

cop: does it look shady?

me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot

This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too

can’t believe I got front row seats

*Snowman wakes up in hospital*

“What happened to me?!”

Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?

Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.

I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now

Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday

Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*

Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.

“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”

For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.

A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order

Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull