Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague

*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*

mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this

What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.

What I should have said: I’ll do better.

What I actually said: You should see my kids.

I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.

Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’

We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.

I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet

My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA

The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.

I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.

Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.

Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you

[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby

Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted

Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.

Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.

My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.

Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*

Her: um you’re not wearing the costume

Me: pretty strong though

Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn

The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me

Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?

Me: It’s the symbol for love

Swallow: What about mine?

Me: Umm, true love.

*grilled cheese

cheese: i want a lawyer

i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”

wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic

me: I said NEXT pandemic

HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?

ME: You bet I did.

I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.

Me: *walks into room*

My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.

Me: *walks back out of room*

[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?

I have issued a new executive order prohibiting library patrons from telling me how tired I look

I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.