I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
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do what now??
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”