I painted a hot chick with big jugs
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“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
As we head into 2025, remember that 1980 is 20 years ago. We all agreed on this.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏