I painted a hot chick with big jugs
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If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”