Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.

Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*

– cats

*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*

I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him

I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.

Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.

My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀

The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.

“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance

Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.

I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.

Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”

Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”

My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.

I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities

“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”

– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.

cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit

Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.

Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.

Date: wanna get out of here?

Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti

car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin

How we blocked people in the 90s 😄

Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.

Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?

When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.

I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.

Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.

people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.

You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.

[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us