Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”

ME: That’s correct.

I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.

M: And?

My 6yo said he loves me more than chores, so I’ve got that going for me

My problem areas are my upper arms & earth

What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.

What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.

CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT

Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby

Me: It’s Abby

Therapist: That’s what you think

If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her

I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL

RIDDLER: riddle me this

TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*

The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater

[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one

unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.

Accidentally bought a pound of unsalted butter so, if I’m your Secret Santa, well…

Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕

PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted

ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit

8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.

Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.

Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself

Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!

Me: That’s a pretty good trade…

The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.

giddy up Office Depot

“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”

but that was my emotional support daylight

Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with

Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.

The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.

Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?