I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
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[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Still a very good boi….
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers