I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
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Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
guys I’m going home
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost