I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
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I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.