Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?

Now security is showing me out.

Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*

Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*

Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.

My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.

ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.

MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?

If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??

{First Date}

Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.

Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.

Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.

Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.

Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.

Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles

Cop: where ya headed?

“the gym”

Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you

“thank you so much, officer”

currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart

me: are you a cop you talk the talk.

ex-cop: not anymore

me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.

ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.

I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.

Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.

I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.

[invention of fish net stockings]

fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!

fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?

fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn

7: [eating a bunch]

me:

7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.

me: that’s a good way to put it.

stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.

You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.

ME: welcome to my man cave.

PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.

Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?

The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.

Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.

Wife: What? Why?

Me: I was calling her Siri.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: I’m naming our next kid.

cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder

Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.

When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.

Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.