Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…

It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother

My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first

My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess

Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody

tis the season

Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.

Me: *pees on her leg*

Her: *screams*

Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!

Security: That’s for STINGS.

Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*

You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.

“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”

Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour

stopped to pee at a McDonner’s

I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic

Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…

Me: You did?

Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!

So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?

Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?

Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.

Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!

Me:

I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.

Grandpa: Music today is terrible

Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*

Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*

Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.

~poetry

Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Two Dough Nuts.

Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.

real

WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.

The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.

Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?

[My Wedding]

Me: I do

Guests: Awww

Me: Or do I?

Guests: Ooooo

if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.

[my funeral]

college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.

Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?

Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!

-my baby