I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
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Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
channeling her this year
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Is anyone gonna tell them?
