Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.

I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account

PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic

Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.

Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.

When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.

Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.

The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.

Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”

I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

Vulcans are space-elves.

Look at the ears.

I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store

and that’s why I’m fat🤭

Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?

2020: Haha you have no idea.

At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.

Scrooge isn’t special, I too have been ghosted thrice in one night

my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga

Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies

Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine

Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk

i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it

my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that

ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.

ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.

[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*

Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started

Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes

I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.

Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.

Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.