Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*

Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.

Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.

People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.

society: let’s give mothers their very own day

me: what about sharks?

society: we’ll give them a whole week

It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.

February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*

Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.

Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!

[looking through my closet]

Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?

Me: 1991

Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar

Passport photographer: No

You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.

Are you dating a bunch of bees?

I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats

Good morning, Twitter x

Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”

Actually I just wanna check the court websites

In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.

My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”

Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.

It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts

Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.

~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic

*beats arachnophobia*

*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*

*fears spiders again*

We all wear masks.

I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask

In 3…2…1

Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.

The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist

Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*

Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it

[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]

ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.

Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.

Shout out to sidewalks.

Thanks for keeping me off the streets.