Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend

big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property

She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?

if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS

“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*

Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya

told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter

Her: hot

Me: *narrows eyes*

I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.

-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?

If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.

Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”

Yup, NOT going in there.

my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely

“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.

They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer

Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.

“just sayin” who asked you though?

New trend:

“Haunting”

It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.

Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.

According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.

I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.

Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.

You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.

If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.

FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.

The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’

*lesson learned

Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?

My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.

Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.