Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.

british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?

british guy: tea

british waiter: jolly good choice

[both laugh britishingly]

How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.

[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*

I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head

Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.

Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow

Went in my local the other day, new barman very smiley and chatty I ordered a pint and a vodka tonic for my wife, he smiled and asked ‘single?’ I replied sorry mate I’m married, he said I meant double or single vodka pal. Got to find a new local.

Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair

*prospective pet owner interview

Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?

When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since

Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.

cat: *slowly approaches new vase*

me: you don’t wanna do that

vase: *pushes cat off the table*

me: i warned you

showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut

Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…

skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up

I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.

getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.

Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.

chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”

I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.

the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats

You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart

Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.

“U got gum?”

“Give me some lotion”

“Hold my gun”

Stranger danger is a very real thing.

They nearly always react badly to proposals.

I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.

One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!

Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.

”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!

If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.