@_NTFG_

I party like a Rockstar.
A very poor Rockstar who isn’t in a band anymore and starts yawning by 9pm and just wants to be home drinking tea.

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@MadGamer79

It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.

@Social_Mime

I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.

@daemonic3

She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore

@houffy

Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables

@sixfootcandy

Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?

@TheAlexNevil

WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]

@SamuelHLowe

– I’d like to make a reservation.
– Name?
– Matthew McConaughey.
– Can you spell that for me?
– No.

@wolfpupy

thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years