@baeblacksheep
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
@_NTFG_
I party like a Rockstar.
A very poor Rockstar who isn’t in a band anymore and starts yawning by 9pm and just wants to be home drinking tea.
You Might Also Like
@baeblacksheep
@graceupongracie
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
@catstronomical
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
@Diversion50
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
@itchyturtle
Dating tip: surprise your date by being a giraffe
@PimpBillClinton
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
@moose_chocolate
A coworker told me she was “catching up on her correspondence” so apparently it’s 1932 here at my workplace.
@RachelNoise
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
@wife3kidsnodogs
How come an extremely angry woman can pack everything she owns in an hour,
but it takes her a week to pack for vacation?
@AnAverageGiant
Today I had a mild panic attack over the fact I will die someday. Then I bought some shit on Amazon.
Your mom is a hermaphrodite.