@_NTFG_

I party like a Rockstar.
A very poor Rockstar who isn’t in a band anymore and starts yawning by 9pm and just wants to be home drinking tea.

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@baeblacksheep

I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.

@graceupongracie

My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring

@Diversion50

I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.

@moose_chocolate

A coworker told me she was “catching up on her correspondence” so apparently it’s 1932 here at my workplace.

@RachelNoise

By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”

@wife3kidsnodogs

How come an extremely angry woman can pack everything she owns in an hour,
but it takes her a week to pack for vacation?

@AnAverageGiant

Today I had a mild panic attack over the fact I will die someday. Then I bought some shit on Amazon.

Your mom is a hermaphrodite.