I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
I party like a Rockstar.
A very poor Rockstar who isn’t in a band anymore and starts yawning by 9pm and just wants to be home drinking tea.
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My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Dating tip: surprise your date by being a giraffe
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
A coworker told me she was “catching up on her correspondence” so apparently it’s 1932 here at my workplace.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
How come an extremely angry woman can pack everything she owns in an hour,
but it takes her a week to pack for vacation?
Today I had a mild panic attack over the fact I will die someday. Then I bought some shit on Amazon.
Your mom is a hermaphrodite.