It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
I party like a Rockstar.
A very poor Rockstar who isn’t in a band anymore and starts yawning by 9pm and just wants to be home drinking tea.
You Might Also Like
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
She sells sea shells on the:
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
H: Removing unmentionables
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
– I’d like to make a reservation.
– Matthew McConaughey.
– Can you spell that for me?
The act of licking afros.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
“how is school going?”