I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
You Might Also Like
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.
I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Sex so good you see dead people.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
deleting my mental health to focus on social media
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”