I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
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LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.