Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am crying

Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark

Kid: I don’t like cheese

Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?

With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival

No one comes over anymore :/

Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.

Interviewer: Take a minute to th-

Me: Arendelle.

[at Goodwill store]

*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*

Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.

And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.

Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?

Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*

I’m ok…allergies are bad.

Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?

You don’t know what you’re missing

[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS

Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.

Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.

If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.

Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure

Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?

My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.

My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*

Me: Well. Hi.

My cat: You’re very clingy.

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?

ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

INTERVIEWER: What?

ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.

A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.

my gf left me cuz i’m insecure

never mind she’s back she went pee

[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]

We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?

Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.

*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”

I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.

Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.

Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?

ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.

ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?

writer: it’s based on a book

movie producer: ok

writer: about a boy who lived

producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave

writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat

producer: wait

Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”

me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”

W-“no”

Me- “who’s the expert now?”

I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.