I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
You Might Also Like
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
cry laughing at this shit
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories