I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
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[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
From my Mom
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?