I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
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I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
me irl
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.
“Awkward silences are the worst”
*Someone, inventing the kazoo… probably
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
So, this is how my day is going. How about you?
Before you take surf lessons, you have to sign a waver.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean