Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]

You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out

Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00

Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.

“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.

✨☝️✨

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea

Patient: what? I don’t understand

Me (starts slow clap)

A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower

Daughter: I drew a picture of you

Me: where’s my big muscles?

Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question

The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans

Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.

Her: That’s fine by me!

*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*

[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?

My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?

My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.

My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.

Gyms are open !

Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)

Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.

Wife: The same four kids?

Me: I’ll be right back.

Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.

ME: So you’re into religion. Really??

DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.

ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.

Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.

You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.

[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad

Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.

I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story

Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.

dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no

I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.

We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.