I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
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us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Saw your ex at the shops
Tapped in
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe