I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
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[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Girls Just Want To Have Naan
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards