I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
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Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant