I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
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I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
there’s music for literally every activity
They grow up so quick
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
It’s that simple 👊🏻
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.