I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
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It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please