I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
You Might Also Like
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Artwork by Herta Burbe
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.
If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.
If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.
This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.