I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
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First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
I have two kinds of followers
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”
It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.