I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
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*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”
— Mark Twain
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
