Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
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(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
I really had high hopes for this year though
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally