I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
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WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
mary: i can’t believe i had to give birth in a barn this sucks. at least now i can rest
three old guys: heyyyyy
little boy playing the drums: whaddup
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅