Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.

Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”

“I’d like to make a toast.”

– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family

A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.

Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.

After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.

If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.

wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now

[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet

me: do you have these but in the pretzel version

pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank

“Operator, run this licence plate please

Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”

– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.

whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it

she has a smile full of sesame seeds

Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]

I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖

🐷

🐽

[my husband turning onto our street]

“know what I think?”

husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.

“we’ve been down this road before”

Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.

Cat: *meow*

People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again

Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.

ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog

Dr: You have palpitations

Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?

Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA

Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]

I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”

All is not a trick question. Apparently

Executioner: any last words

Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what

Executioner: what?

Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.

Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one

One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho

Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.

7-year-old: Yeah.

Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?

7: I come here to relax, not work.

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.

4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee

I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.