I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
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Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.