Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.

Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is

Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.

[bakery]

me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday

clerk: ok what about this one

me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?

In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.

Even Forrest Gump got laid.

This is bullshit.

the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off

6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes

[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*

Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!

Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.

*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?

Thinking of having kids?

Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.

You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.

going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me

Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?

Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”

I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.

toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise

[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote

Things will get butter, keep churning

“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis

Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.

I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?

…Anybody?

Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.

[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?

DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p

ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia

[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.

[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH

Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough

I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion

me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:

It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution

If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.

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not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️