I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
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Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?