I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
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That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
The photographer’s assistant
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Are you a hero about to fight some baddies? Here are some battle cry ideas to strike fear into your enemies’ hearts:
* Hot buttery death!
* HR will hear about this!
* I’m as strong as fifty men and as crazy as a thousand raccoons!
* Brenda!
* Don’t hit me! I’m telling Mom!
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
me and who
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is my trunk open?
Cop: no.
Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos