Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest

Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.

“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief

Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.

Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?

Fred: Um, ya, whatever.

Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?

Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread

[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave

(yawn)

Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.

*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you

In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?

I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.

sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you

Every single bad day happened because I woke up

When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done

[at Home Depot]

Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye

Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?

Me: our dog died

Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…

Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars

Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *

* Looking for my gloves in the shed

I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)

I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink

Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination

screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them

get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind

I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch

I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.

nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.

WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again

ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew

Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.