I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
You Might Also Like
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!
dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-
frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*
dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
I love this❤️😁👍
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.