I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
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The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.