I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
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LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.