Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.

*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?

I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.

wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something

A good lesson here is that you should live your life in such a way that when you die, nobody pulls out a spreadsheet to mathematically explain why they’re happy you’re dead

Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur

I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.

I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”

My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job

Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.

*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else

[planning a family vacation]

Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.

Kids: Yayy, cool!

Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?

M: About 45 feet, I guess

W: I despise you

Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year

Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’

Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus

If I wanted unnecessary pockets on my clothing I’d buy clothes made in the 1980s.

It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.

-Nervous Nelly

It’s like grandma always said…

Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.

😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪

I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.

Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?

God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple

Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no

God: …where’s Adam?

Kids: the floor is lava!

Me: *slowly rolls off couch*

I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂

If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…

A bad parent with an ice cold beer.

Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident

Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit

Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.

If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.

The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy

My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol