I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
You Might Also Like
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Croquettes are not female crocodiles