Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears

I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.

back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today

[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*

I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.

If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?

lot going on here, legally speaking.

In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.

My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.

Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage

Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁

I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty

I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.

9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.

The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.

THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have

Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.

It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.

(No offense, Andrea.)

Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”

A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:

Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.

I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.

I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.

It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car

Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.

[mothers day]

Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.

Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.

I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.