Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon

I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.

No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.

I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat

[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?

Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.

My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”

Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.

Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.

Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep

[Ocean’s 14]

Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine

I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.

Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.

Found my door mat

Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.

DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!

Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?

Me: sure what time?

Them: 8:30

Me: *laughs in over 40*

YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.

Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.

ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head

I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.

*Runs Amazon van off the road

Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?

NO, SENSEI!

Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden

I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.

“Dress for the job you want!”

*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*

You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.

Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…

John Mayer first drafts.

5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.

Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child

mandolin: finally a violin for men

“Amanda Seyfried (left)”

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