I peeled 5 pounds of potatoes. That’s 14 newton-meters for the Europeans
You Might Also Like
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
You an Obituary liar.
That means you DEAD@$$ lying
Otters see a butterfly.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.