I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
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Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
absolutely not
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?