Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour

Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong

Me: I haven’t started yet

when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.

Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.

Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.

Talking to funeral home director:

Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”

MIL: “Let go of me!”

Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.

I just can’t handle it anymore.

This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.

Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror

Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.

Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY

them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty

me:

I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.

We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.

[The shark attack sketch]

Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.

[fin]

No one:

Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”

first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that

I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying

Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you

I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.

Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.

Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.

I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.

After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.

I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.

My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.

Grass: [grows]

Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]

Zordon: go find me some high schoolers

Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?

Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex

Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.

Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!

Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”

Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.

I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky