I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
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If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.
My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f
Me: k, I’ll check for sure
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt