I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
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Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.