I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
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I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
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THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
bartender: what are you having mate
guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
That’s a good costume, I hope.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot