I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
You Might Also Like
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
HR said no more nunchucks.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Breaking news:
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game