I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
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If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!