I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
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My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO