Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sketchy parking lot]

stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?

me: maybe if i get a running start

ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!

ROBOT: [flies out of window]

ME: Why did I add a propeller

Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.

“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”

*the man grating parmesan stops*

“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”

parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”

[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer

Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]

WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.

Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.

Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅

Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?

9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.

Me: *beaming with pride*

Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!

9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.

Me: *face palm*

Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…

[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*

[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*

My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!

Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)

Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis

Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.

If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.

Thank you, Internet.

Thank you.

If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.

Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika

To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*

My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria

Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.

“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets

It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car

“I took care of your clown problem.”

I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.