Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet

Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.

WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?

ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon

Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’

One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it

Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.

All I need is to hear those 3 special words

“Want a sandwich?”

Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.

Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.

[House hunters]

Pigs: we’d really love a brick house

Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?

No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.

[pet store]

Me: your parrot called me a cracker.

Manager: maybe he was asking..

[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*

Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.

Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!

*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*

*orders some*

NETFLIX: Skip intro?

ME: Yes.

NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.

ME: Should…should I not skip it?

NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.

ME: Okay, skip intro.

NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.

My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.

Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…

80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’

*Boyfriend gets in bed*

Him: Wanna fool around?

Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*

netflix: are you still watching

me: no

netflix: then can i watch what i want now

We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.

You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50

me: do you have a blowup mattress?

host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.

me: hahaha

host: hahaha

me: (nervous sweating)

“Man, what’s eating you today?

*looks down*

I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!

*cops finds my loose floorboard*

Cop: What’s under here…

*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*

Me: I’d like my lawyer now.

There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum

Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-

Me: Yes, I know…the drill.