Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(my very first day as President)

Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh

That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel

Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker

There’s a scientist with the same name as me, so whenever I Google myself, the results are like:

“Our Top Ten Dad Jokes!”

“Neat Sci-Fi Story!”

“High CO2 and the geochemistry of the coralline algae Lithothamnion glaciale”

“Fire Dept Saves Man With Head Stuck In Chicken Bucket”

Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!

Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December

Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.

The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.

Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.

Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices

I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.

public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win

Me: Good night Moon

Moon:

Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.

My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.

things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.

You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂

Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration

Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.

*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?

Silent letters are really out there squeezing into words like “don’t worry I’ll be quiet you won’t even know I’m here”

Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?

Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.

Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her

Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?

Kid: “Sorry,” I think

Game developer: his name is Donkey

Nintendo: nice

Developer: he’s a gorilla

Nintendo: ok twist

Developer: who wears a necktie

Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?

Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?

Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking