I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
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Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
“Hey, how’s it been out here this morning?” “We just had a patron who asked to be taken to the section where we keep all the books about anvils.” “Were they by any chance a coyote?”
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
WTF IS THAT!
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Chemical wingman
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*